Peter Pan Syndrome

Im sitting criss cross applesauce on stained carpet waiting for the words to write themselves
because I'm not sure what I want to say
but I want to say something

High school.
was only 4 years of my 17 which means that
at 13 I was creasing the corners of books
and increasing the footnotes and even though i kept losing my page
i was near the beginning anyways

it wasn't until a boy, the first boy
read my footnotes and showed me his
that my heart helped me dance
because the choreography was our promises
they never made it to the stage
that was 14
flip the page

but it was nothing like 16
where the night never perished
and i didn't know any of the words
but i sang along anyways
flip the page

back to 15 because we skipped a section
where music was the kernals in the microwave
when my library card was my fake ID
and we were cemented to eachother
while exploring the mysteries of fitting in
and never forcing a laugh
flip the page
skip the next chapter

we're in college and we're lost
but we've found ourselves
and for once we feel small
but the bigger plans we made
are unfolding and we're content

Go back
back to this moment right now
i'm 17 years old and in 61 hours we'll be standing in a line waiting for our names to be called
BINGO
four rows four years completed
there will be tears and smiles and diplomas
and we'll be thinking about the future's fresh taste on our tongues
and the bitterness of rotten relationships will be replaced with sweet release
and we'll reflect on tetherball and four square and footie pajamas
along with field trips to bowling alleys and football games under the bleachers
and it will all be one extravagent moving picture
because the past will become a flipbook of memories we chose to remember
and it won't matter if you appeared in the yearbook 8 times
or ate in the cafeteria every day
it will only matter who you are in this very moment
and all I have left to say is godspeed

cheddar

"Say cheese!"
here we go with the artificial smiling again
exercising our face muscles for another cosmetic compliment
they claimed it as candid, so everybody did
but the smile never reached your eyes

why do we even smile in pictures?
if they're supposed to capture a memory
why do we pose?
making babies laugh before the flash seconds before they cry
producing the perfect moment and printing it
framing it
and hanging it
the walls pleaded me not to

most of us choose to read fiction over nonfiction
and actors get paid for being something they're not
we beliddle others because we remain anonymous
yet here we are starting wars and rumors of wars
whether it be in our streets or on our television screens
it is the same

and all this time the light leaking from the windows never reached the plant
so it died
because the blinds filtered out what it needed to hear
and photos in the magazines didn't have the photosynthesis it needed

I'm climbing on rooftops because I can't see the stars
with all the pollution and commotion and alterations to this nation
that was once so great

The silence burns holes through me
my heart has so much to say
but my ribs pledged to my brain and instead it stays hostage inside of me
and I want to let freedom ring
but the pencil keeps breaking in my hand
like my fingers are stronger than the words on the page
and the picture never developed

can't we all just be real for a second?
real doesn't have to be sad, but real has to be honest
can we cry without worrying about where the water falls
can I tell my father I love him or is it too late?
can we stop the world from poisoning the next generation?
we can do anything
but we won't
because humanity went extinct before I was born
because sacrifice never was a fool's paradise
and we all just keep smiling for the camera.

weathered bones

206 of them by the time I turn 18

I hit the keys

27 in each hand

operating without hesitation

a beautiful, complex structure

Exo, endo, hydrostatic

evolution and adaptation

they're the reason why the birds fly 

and the humans crawl

they melted every time our hands brushed

but the moment the music seeped into our ears

they fused back together, but denser this time

the hushed rhythm leaked into our skin and submerged all 206 

and we danced freely; like we were underwater

our souls were not eclipsed by the crowding tissue

and the marrow inside resonated the sounds and sang along

just loud enough to break the strings

and the puppet masters gasped

but strings aren't the only thing that can break

the accident caused me to question the delicacy of these parts

this fragile framework that can be so stalwart

can shatter like stain glass windows on a church

the signatures on the caste declare that they're healing

but the paralytic never knew recovery

196 move in unison and I'm walking away

but I can feel it in every part of me

"they're weighing me down," I say

the entirety only twenty pounds on average

and while the rest may wither and waste away

these 20 pounds stay behind

there are skeletons in my closet

 

my heart's resurfacing

Scratched vinyl is the only way I can describe it

snippets of sweet melodies still playing

disrupted by long, ringing pauses

Never hook me up to a heart rate moniter

and before the dust settles

just know that my heart was once alive

Paper boys and paper girls all holding hands

chased by the flame once you said goodbye

and now my hands are empty and my nails caked with dirt

I inhale nostalgia like smoke from a cigarette

each puff more corrosive than the next

if only it was my lungs turning black

Time spent in bed like a prisoner with an unlocked cell

I want too much at once

that I'm left not wanting anything at all

Still yearning for people long gone

hoping they'll close the distance

apprehending that

there's no point in reminscing someone who isn't coming back

I love uncontrollably and leave the cap off the bottle

mistakes, mistakes, memories

loneliness is a poison the doctors have no prescription for

and the toughest part is forgiving

the monsoon

A severe, unearthly storm had swept over the state of Utah.

It seemed as if the end of our planet was at nigh. Thunder rumbled from all angles, the great Zeus was furious. Niagra falls had been relocated and was now above us, it was raining buckets. The brilliant beams of light struck all around, restoring light to a blackened world.

There I was, fixated on the sky behind the thick glass of my attic window, my eyes filled with childlike wonder. The power had gone out long before, and my two sisters, brother, and I were left to battle the utter darkness alone. It was beautiful, the electricity slicing through the sky and illuminating my toy room. I was consuming licorice at 1000 vines per second, hoping that the great storm would spare an insignificant peasant like myself. 

Then it happened. Time stood still. A white flash of light blinded me and caused me to fall backwards in sheer terror. It was followed by a loud cacophonous noise unlike anything I have ever heard before. I believe I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it never reached my ears. All at once, the horror began. A kind of power surge rippled from the source, reaching me in a matter of milliseconds. Suddenly, a barbie cash register containing no batteries that had been neglected of use for many years, went off. An eery tune then played, sending shivers down my spine and causing me question my sanity. The lights flickered on and off afterwards, and a chilling silence filled the air.

Ever since this experience, I have never been quite the same. It has haunted me ever since, and I'm not sure how I can live with such scarring memories, but I find a way. FIN

Ashes ashes we all fall down

If  Death knocked on my door with a handful of white roses,

I'd say,

"Hello old friend,

I hope you came for me. Because I don't want to be the one left behind.

I think about you a lot Death. I can't believe you would take some people I love away from me, but you take them to the same place, and that's where I'm going, right?

You forced weed killer down my brothers throat, but you let me stop you before you went too far. Was it some cruel joke? Or is that what friends are for?

You spared my grandfathers life years ago. They called him the walking miracle because of you. Thank you, because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned how to surf, or make mickey mouse waffles, or see the beauty in the world, so thank you.

I remember when I swam after you. You took me so far out, and even though you were silent the whole time with your back turned, I thought you were on my side. I had to tell myself to stop following you and retreat back to shore, because I shouldn't be trying to talk to strangers. 

I wish you didn't come and go so abruptly, we never really had any good conversations. I've never come looking for you, but I do know people who have, and they regret ever trying.

How do you do it? How do you steal everyone's breaths and still be in the air around us?

Hope says not to be worried about you. She says you won't bother me yet. I told her I'm scared of you. She says not to be, that I have plenty of time and I'm on the bottom of the list. But then I think about the kid standing on the train tracks, or Anne Frank, and I'm scared again. 

I've dreamt about you Death. Did you know that? I see you all the time in pictures, I hear you in stories, but still you're only real in my head. I realize now you're not the wicked villain in a comic book, you're the wolf. We've all been tricked once, twice, until we stop listening. By the time we hear you, the sheep are already dead and you've gone missing. And we all cry wolf.

Yet I know I can't reason with you...

So let me go pack my things."

my fears have a surface area of gigantic

so

here we go

talking about fears

i could on and on about tsunamis

or spongebob clocks

or radioactive decay

but id rather take you folks to the root of my fears
l
o
v
e
.
it scares me that in all my 17 years, i'm afraid i haven't felt it with someone
and that i might spend the rest of my 76 years looking for it
that some day i'll share the earth below with strangers
i don't know how i can be scared of nobody loving me
and be terrified of loving someone back
but then there's the love that makes my fears thrive
the love for my family
the love i have for all the people i've met
and all the people i haven't
the reason why i would never get too close to the edge
or jump out of a piece of flying machinery

BUT fear is a virus that's wiping out humanity
it begins by planting thoughts of potential harm
and before you know it you've stopped trying to feel alive
and you're nothing but a routine relay race
passing on fear from one person to the next
who knew fear could be afraid of himself

honestly
most fears are ludicrous
and while i may be afraid i'm turning out just like my parents
and they're afraid i'm turning out nothing like them
i'm really afraid of losing myself
that i might become an unthinking, unfeeling embodiment of fear
that i will remember to flush the toilet
but forget to feed the fish
that i will remember to turn off the light
but forget the promises i made

and while fear is what keeps us safe
and sane
it's also what keeps us retracing our steps
what keeps our messages in bottles
and our imagination on neutral
don't let your fear bare arms against you
it doesn't have to be the enemy
it can also be a power source
plug it in your unit
and let fear be the cure, not the virus