11 failed attempts

#1 this crush was the ultimate rival to all my other crushes, but i wasn't ready to love yet

#2 you took so much more than my first kiss. i can't help comparing everyone else to you, i loved you in a way i didn't think i could. you had a flawless facade, and although you treated me like i was playdough, a shrapnel of my broken heart still loves who i thought you were

#3 you were so kind and lively. i'm sorry I ended it, i just got scared

#4 rooftops and bowling balls brought us together. it was a prototypical fling

#5 you gallivanted into my life like you owned it. we spent nights under the stars, days in the water. we talked like we hadn't just met, but when we stopped talking it was like we never met. it was a trial run and by the time it ran out, i couldn't afford the real thing

#6 this one's for all my fugitive infatuations. all smiles, flirtatious waves, shallow texts. an empty kiss. that one time we locked eyes across the room. the only thing missing was something real

#7 you were a jack in the box, i was surprised at the person you really were. underneath all those compulsive lies you were just a boy who thirsted for attention and acceptance. sorry i couldn't give you that

#8 i couldn't reciprocate my feelings. i want you to forgive me, but let go of me. you deserve someone who will actually remember your birthday

#9 i met you in the weirdest way. but we clicked. i still like you, i'm just afraid we're sailing in different directions

#10 it was just a friendship with a little spark. i don't know what i did, but it was bad enough to lose you entirely. i'm okay with it, i didn't know you as well as i thought i did. i just hate seeing you because it still hurts

#11 i've been thinking about you lately. we were so close, but galaxies apart. you won't even talk to me now. i want to fix it. you weren't an emotional pin cushion. but regardless of all that, i know you're better off without me

hide and go seek

I'm stepping on the crayons that once served as a portal to my imagination

I quit raising my hand because I don't want answers anymore 

I don't have playdates with kids who believe in santa claus

My shoes don't light up when I run around, neither does my face on my birthday

I don't brew potions and I'm no longer a princess

When I get older I can't be a rock star or a marine biologist

Stranger danger is more relevant today than it was then

I can't make a fort and play pretend, because the game never ends

I'm not the best at four square, I'm not the best at anything

Disneyland isn't the happiest place on earth

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4

5

6

7

8

9

10

ready or not. here I come

and I'm searching everywhere to find myself.

brickity brick brick

I've got a brick tied to my ankle

i drag it around like a shackled ball and chain

hoping one day i can sever the rope

this brick was fashioned from regrets and insecurities

always there just following me around

lurking in my shadow 

constricting me from jumping more than an inch or two
stopping me from wandering very far

I tied this brick to me around the time i hit puberty

there's cuts and bruises from the rope

man do i want to get rid of this brick

but i'm afraid i've got a life sentence.

idek i'll write something tomorrow don't get a seizure from this

we humans are nomads

Tell me why i feel stuck all the time

stuck in a certain mindset of doubt

stuck with people who can't be kind

the gum on the street is keeping my shoes immobile

holding me captive to watch corruption embody everyone i love

I was never meant to sit back and watch

good is deteriorating like an organism undergoes senescence

we humans are nomads

moving from heart to mind

moving from person to person

moving like atoms in a gaseous state

Too many of us are power hungry barbarians

with rotting souls and cynical minds

trust is a luxury most can't afford

and love is a practical joke

where has humanity gone?

i'm not going to adapt to my environment

become subordinate to an unfeeling unscrupulous society

i'm done with being spoon fed these lies

WAKE UP

we're the same, you and me

don't forget that

yes, we chew up and spit each other out

forgetting that everyone has emotions

but that's how the gum ended up on the street in the first place

don't forget that

1:47 a.m. soliloquy

There's too much and too little to say about love

I'm not even sure where to start

I think I'm in love

but aren't we all fickle, lovesick fools

we write love in pencil

and our erasers are all worn out 

Love is a two way street they say

but this two way street has a stop sign

I kept going 

but you made a U-turn

I fell like a plane crash

nose diving too sharply

I knew I was on fire 

but I didn't know I was burning

I am yet to bust the myth of love

how will I ever know if mine is real?

it hurts, oh yes it hurts

but is it the pain of a love lost or the absence of love?

is there even a difference

I hate knowing that they're out there

breathing

sleeping

dreaming

dreaming about someone else

or nobody at all

they don't care about me anymore

they don't think about me anymore

just last week they said they loved me

I didn't know love had an expiration date

or I wouldn't have bought it

But hey, love doesn't have an absolute maximum

and high school relationships are like jelly filled doughnuts

some people like em

but they splatter all over your favorite shirt and leave a sticky stain

and honestly they're full of sh*t

(pardon my french)

True love isn't a light switch

and if they loved you, they'd treat you right

that four letter word will be what tears you apart

and stitches you back together

So please,

stop putting your quarters in and hoping what you want comes out

their words were just instant oatmeal propaganda

they want it too, but not with you
it's time to move on
it's time to forget
it's time to just love what's best for you
and wait for the best to love you back.

sdrawckab no stah

HATS confuse me

Abraham Lincoln always wore a hat

and he was assassinated

The cat in the hat always wore a hat

and a doctor wrote about him

I wish nobody wore hats

but you wear a hat every day
and you
and you

They're designed to cover us up

trap the perpetual cloud of rare thoughts

and cast a shadow on our faces

just to cover up unfiltered light-

don't want anybody to see that bald spot 

heaven forbid we get a glimpse of your greasy roots
that tell us where you came from

We can't see through that hat of yours

stop wearing it

I hear it's been giving you a headache for years

but you won't be taking it off anytime soon

I can't even see your darn eyebrows

but yea, keep it on

because you've been wearing it for far too long

and if you take it off now

you'll have hat marks

So

I tip my hat to you

because I'm sick of the way it feels

and always having to adjust it

For once,
I'm not going to wear a hat

makiNg faCes in The mirroR

I think I look in the mirror a lot

Not because I'm inspecting the 

cilantro in my teeth    or

studying my facial symmetry    or

admiring the dust clinging to the glass

I just want to see myself one more time

Every day

I change a little bit 

My eyes droop

I'm wearing a counterfeit smile

and suddenly I'm turning 17

And I don't come home from school

with my shoes full of wood chips

and my mouth full of adventures

instead I stare

wondering what it would be like

to look myself in the eyes

Would I recognize myself?

Who is that person in the mirror?

perhaps we're all just missing persons
with a search party of one
eventually we'll find ourselves
but for now
we'll just keep making faces in the mirror