Peter Pan Syndrome

Im sitting criss cross applesauce on stained carpet waiting for the words to write themselves
because I'm not sure what I want to say
but I want to say something

High school.
was only 4 years of my 17 which means that
at 13 I was creasing the corners of books
and increasing the footnotes and even though i kept losing my page
i was near the beginning anyways

it wasn't until a boy, the first boy
read my footnotes and showed me his
that my heart helped me dance
because the choreography was our promises
they never made it to the stage
that was 14
flip the page

but it was nothing like 16
where the night never perished
and i didn't know any of the words
but i sang along anyways
flip the page

back to 15 because we skipped a section
where music was the kernals in the microwave
when my library card was my fake ID
and we were cemented to eachother
while exploring the mysteries of fitting in
and never forcing a laugh
flip the page
skip the next chapter

we're in college and we're lost
but we've found ourselves
and for once we feel small
but the bigger plans we made
are unfolding and we're content

Go back
back to this moment right now
i'm 17 years old and in 61 hours we'll be standing in a line waiting for our names to be called
BINGO
four rows four years completed
there will be tears and smiles and diplomas
and we'll be thinking about the future's fresh taste on our tongues
and the bitterness of rotten relationships will be replaced with sweet release
and we'll reflect on tetherball and four square and footie pajamas
along with field trips to bowling alleys and football games under the bleachers
and it will all be one extravagent moving picture
because the past will become a flipbook of memories we chose to remember
and it won't matter if you appeared in the yearbook 8 times
or ate in the cafeteria every day
it will only matter who you are in this very moment
and all I have left to say is godspeed

cheddar

"Say cheese!"
here we go with the artificial smiling again
exercising our face muscles for another cosmetic compliment
they claimed it as candid, so everybody did
but the smile never reached your eyes

why do we even smile in pictures?
if they're supposed to capture a memory
why do we pose?
making babies laugh before the flash seconds before they cry
producing the perfect moment and printing it
framing it
and hanging it
the walls pleaded me not to

most of us choose to read fiction over nonfiction
and actors get paid for being something they're not
we beliddle others because we remain anonymous
yet here we are starting wars and rumors of wars
whether it be in our streets or on our television screens
it is the same

and all this time the light leaking from the windows never reached the plant
so it died
because the blinds filtered out what it needed to hear
and photos in the magazines didn't have the photosynthesis it needed

I'm climbing on rooftops because I can't see the stars
with all the pollution and commotion and alterations to this nation
that was once so great

The silence burns holes through me
my heart has so much to say
but my ribs pledged to my brain and instead it stays hostage inside of me
and I want to let freedom ring
but the pencil keeps breaking in my hand
like my fingers are stronger than the words on the page
and the picture never developed

can't we all just be real for a second?
real doesn't have to be sad, but real has to be honest
can we cry without worrying about where the water falls
can I tell my father I love him or is it too late?
can we stop the world from poisoning the next generation?
we can do anything
but we won't
because humanity went extinct before I was born
because sacrifice never was a fool's paradise
and we all just keep smiling for the camera.

weathered bones

206 of them by the time I turn 18

I hit the keys

27 in each hand

operating without hesitation

a beautiful, complex structure

Exo, endo, hydrostatic

evolution and adaptation

they're the reason why the birds fly 

and the humans crawl

they melted every time our hands brushed

but the moment the music seeped into our ears

they fused back together, but denser this time

the hushed rhythm leaked into our skin and submerged all 206 

and we danced freely; like we were underwater

our souls were not eclipsed by the crowding tissue

and the marrow inside resonated the sounds and sang along

just loud enough to break the strings

and the puppet masters gasped

but strings aren't the only thing that can break

the accident caused me to question the delicacy of these parts

this fragile framework that can be so stalwart

can shatter like stain glass windows on a church

the signatures on the caste declare that they're healing

but the paralytic never knew recovery

196 move in unison and I'm walking away

but I can feel it in every part of me

"they're weighing me down," I say

the entirety only twenty pounds on average

and while the rest may wither and waste away

these 20 pounds stay behind

there are skeletons in my closet

 

my heart's resurfacing

Scratched vinyl is the only way I can describe it

snippets of sweet melodies still playing

disrupted by long, ringing pauses

Never hook me up to a heart rate moniter

and before the dust settles

just know that my heart was once alive

Paper boys and paper girls all holding hands

chased by the flame once you said goodbye

and now my hands are empty and my nails caked with dirt

I inhale nostalgia like smoke from a cigarette

each puff more corrosive than the next

if only it was my lungs turning black

Time spent in bed like a prisoner with an unlocked cell

I want too much at once

that I'm left not wanting anything at all

Still yearning for people long gone

hoping they'll close the distance

apprehending that

there's no point in reminscing someone who isn't coming back

I love uncontrollably and leave the cap off the bottle

mistakes, mistakes, memories

loneliness is a poison the doctors have no prescription for

and the toughest part is forgiving

the monsoon

A severe, unearthly storm had swept over the state of Utah.

It seemed as if the end of our planet was at nigh. Thunder rumbled from all angles, the great Zeus was furious. Niagra falls had been relocated and was now above us, it was raining buckets. The brilliant beams of light struck all around, restoring light to a blackened world.

There I was, fixated on the sky behind the thick glass of my attic window, my eyes filled with childlike wonder. The power had gone out long before, and my two sisters, brother, and I were left to battle the utter darkness alone. It was beautiful, the electricity slicing through the sky and illuminating my toy room. I was consuming licorice at 1000 vines per second, hoping that the great storm would spare an insignificant peasant like myself. 

Then it happened. Time stood still. A white flash of light blinded me and caused me to fall backwards in sheer terror. It was followed by a loud cacophonous noise unlike anything I have ever heard before. I believe I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it never reached my ears. All at once, the horror began. A kind of power surge rippled from the source, reaching me in a matter of milliseconds. Suddenly, a barbie cash register containing no batteries that had been neglected of use for many years, went off. An eery tune then played, sending shivers down my spine and causing me question my sanity. The lights flickered on and off afterwards, and a chilling silence filled the air.

Ever since this experience, I have never been quite the same. It has haunted me ever since, and I'm not sure how I can live with such scarring memories, but I find a way. FIN

Ashes ashes we all fall down

If  Death knocked on my door with a handful of white roses,

I'd say,

"Hello old friend,

I hope you came for me. Because I don't want to be the one left behind.

I think about you a lot Death. I can't believe you would take some people I love away from me, but you take them to the same place, and that's where I'm going, right?

You forced weed killer down my brothers throat, but you let me stop you before you went too far. Was it some cruel joke? Or is that what friends are for?

You spared my grandfathers life years ago. They called him the walking miracle because of you. Thank you, because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned how to surf, or make mickey mouse waffles, or see the beauty in the world, so thank you.

I remember when I swam after you. You took me so far out, and even though you were silent the whole time with your back turned, I thought you were on my side. I had to tell myself to stop following you and retreat back to shore, because I shouldn't be trying to talk to strangers. 

I wish you didn't come and go so abruptly, we never really had any good conversations. I've never come looking for you, but I do know people who have, and they regret ever trying.

How do you do it? How do you steal everyone's breaths and still be in the air around us?

Hope says not to be worried about you. She says you won't bother me yet. I told her I'm scared of you. She says not to be, that I have plenty of time and I'm on the bottom of the list. But then I think about the kid standing on the train tracks, or Anne Frank, and I'm scared again. 

I've dreamt about you Death. Did you know that? I see you all the time in pictures, I hear you in stories, but still you're only real in my head. I realize now you're not the wicked villain in a comic book, you're the wolf. We've all been tricked once, twice, until we stop listening. By the time we hear you, the sheep are already dead and you've gone missing. And we all cry wolf.

Yet I know I can't reason with you...

So let me go pack my things."

my fears have a surface area of gigantic

so

here we go

talking about fears

i could on and on about tsunamis

or spongebob clocks

or radioactive decay

but id rather take you folks to the root of my fears
l
o
v
e
.
it scares me that in all my 17 years, i'm afraid i haven't felt it with someone
and that i might spend the rest of my 76 years looking for it
that some day i'll share the earth below with strangers
i don't know how i can be scared of nobody loving me
and be terrified of loving someone back
but then there's the love that makes my fears thrive
the love for my family
the love i have for all the people i've met
and all the people i haven't
the reason why i would never get too close to the edge
or jump out of a piece of flying machinery

BUT fear is a virus that's wiping out humanity
it begins by planting thoughts of potential harm
and before you know it you've stopped trying to feel alive
and you're nothing but a routine relay race
passing on fear from one person to the next
who knew fear could be afraid of himself

honestly
most fears are ludicrous
and while i may be afraid i'm turning out just like my parents
and they're afraid i'm turning out nothing like them
i'm really afraid of losing myself
that i might become an unthinking, unfeeling embodiment of fear
that i will remember to flush the toilet
but forget to feed the fish
that i will remember to turn off the light
but forget the promises i made

and while fear is what keeps us safe
and sane
it's also what keeps us retracing our steps
what keeps our messages in bottles
and our imagination on neutral
don't let your fear bare arms against you
it doesn't have to be the enemy
it can also be a power source
plug it in your unit
and let fear be the cure, not the virus

can't prove nothin'

click click click

the sound the metal makes

thump thump thump

the sound my heart makes

                                                                   i'm a self destructive machine

i'm made of stainless steel and i still rust in the sun

i've been forged to make others happy, but i can't even do that for myself

i'm a failed experiment

an inventors plan A

a robot tossed in a box and thrown carelessly in the attic

with a dying battery and a bent antennae

that's having a hard time picking up society's signals

turns out my blueprints didn't pass the visual test 

i was the paradigm to be rendered useful

but they made a better version of me

and put it on the cover of vogue magazine

looks like the newest model was a success

they'll be making duplicates of her

as long as they fix any systematic errors 

tick tock tick tock

the clock in me that tells me the time i have left

i can hear it ticking now 

reminding me i didn't come with a lifetime warranty

and if i break i'm broken for good

so you better stamp the words fragile on the box

before you shove me in the attic

and turn off the lights

#SAME

I am going to use capitalization and punctuation correctly, and I will refrain from run on sentences. I will talk like a civilized american. I will stick to MLA format, I won't stray from the given prompt. I won't say what I'm really thinking, because you're probably not thinking the same thing. Lets talk about what we did last weekend, ask me how I'm doing, and I'll give you the same short answer. "I'm good." How about we high five and plaster a big fake smile on our faces and act like we're besties, because everyone falls for that. I will just swallow that lump in my throat and remember I can't cry in front of you. Lets snapchat pictures of ourselves, but only when we look good and the lighting is excellent. I only listen to the songs on the radio, and I definitely don't have any weird quirks or family problems. Nope. Our conversations are scripted, both of us too afraid to do anything but stick to our lines, or roles. I am shoved into one category, I am only what you think I am. I am a collaboration of my friends, my instagram photos, my achievements. I am nothing more than a wind up toy society has carefully manufactured. But here's the real problem. I'm not.

STOP DROP AND DON'T JUST ROLL WITH IT

You're worth so much more than that. Lets get into the topic of our lives, lets admit to eachother our flaws, lets confront eachother about our differences and lets admit we still play happy wheels every now and then. Tell me about the new indie band you discovered, tell me about how you have dissatisfactory dreams about sharks. Show me the marks on your doorpost that show the evolution of your height, tell me about your kindergarten imaginary friend steve. I don't care if you have a blemish right smack dab in the middle of your face, I don't care if you've got a couple hairs out of place. Tell me what you thought about last night that made you cry a river. Tell me all about your passions, your insecurities, your hopes and wishes, your fantasies. It's okay to admit you're afraid of the dark or slenderman. I'll show you the crescent moon shaped scar I got from the lid on a can of chili. I'll tell you about my toothpaste preferences or how I still can't scramble eggs. I know there's a hand controlling the sock puppet, I know you're not the same as everyone else. So please, stop hiding behind the curtain. You're so much more interesting when you're not trying to be something you're not.

11 failed attempts

#1 this crush was the ultimate rival to all my other crushes, but i wasn't ready to love yet

#2 you took so much more than my first kiss. i can't help comparing everyone else to you, i loved you in a way i didn't think i could. you had a flawless facade, and although you treated me like i was playdough, a shrapnel of my broken heart still loves who i thought you were

#3 you were so kind and lively. i'm sorry I ended it, i just got scared

#4 rooftops and bowling balls brought us together. it was a prototypical fling

#5 you gallivanted into my life like you owned it. we spent nights under the stars, days in the water. we talked like we hadn't just met, but when we stopped talking it was like we never met. it was a trial run and by the time it ran out, i couldn't afford the real thing

#6 this one's for all my fugitive infatuations. all smiles, flirtatious waves, shallow texts. an empty kiss. that one time we locked eyes across the room. the only thing missing was something real

#7 you were a jack in the box, i was surprised at the person you really were. underneath all those compulsive lies you were just a boy who thirsted for attention and acceptance. sorry i couldn't give you that

#8 i couldn't reciprocate my feelings. i want you to forgive me, but let go of me. you deserve someone who will actually remember your birthday

#9 i met you in the weirdest way. but we clicked. i still like you, i'm just afraid we're sailing in different directions

#10 it was just a friendship with a little spark. i don't know what i did, but it was bad enough to lose you entirely. i'm okay with it, i didn't know you as well as i thought i did. i just hate seeing you because it still hurts

#11 i've been thinking about you lately. we were so close, but galaxies apart. you won't even talk to me now. i want to fix it. you weren't an emotional pin cushion. but regardless of all that, i know you're better off without me

hide and go seek

I'm stepping on the crayons that once served as a portal to my imagination

I quit raising my hand because I don't want answers anymore 

I don't have playdates with kids who believe in santa claus

My shoes don't light up when I run around, neither does my face on my birthday

I don't brew potions and I'm no longer a princess

When I get older I can't be a rock star or a marine biologist

Stranger danger is more relevant today than it was then

I can't make a fort and play pretend, because the game never ends

I'm not the best at four square, I'm not the best at anything

Disneyland isn't the happiest place on earth

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

ready or not. here I come

and I'm searching everywhere to find myself.

brickity brick brick

I've got a brick tied to my ankle

i drag it around like a shackled ball and chain

hoping one day i can sever the rope

this brick was fashioned from regrets and insecurities

always there just following me around

lurking in my shadow 

constricting me from jumping more than an inch or two
stopping me from wandering very far

I tied this brick to me around the time i hit puberty

there's cuts and bruises from the rope

man do i want to get rid of this brick

but i'm afraid i've got a life sentence.

idek i'll write something tomorrow don't get a seizure from this

we humans are nomads

Tell me why i feel stuck all the time

stuck in a certain mindset of doubt

stuck with people who can't be kind

the gum on the street is keeping my shoes immobile

holding me captive to watch corruption embody everyone i love

I was never meant to sit back and watch

good is deteriorating like an organism undergoes senescence

we humans are nomads

moving from heart to mind

moving from person to person

moving like atoms in a gaseous state

Too many of us are power hungry barbarians

with rotting souls and cynical minds

trust is a luxury most can't afford

and love is a practical joke

where has humanity gone?

i'm not going to adapt to my environment

become subordinate to an unfeeling unscrupulous society

i'm done with being spoon fed these lies

WAKE UP

we're the same, you and me

don't forget that

yes, we chew up and spit each other out

forgetting that everyone has emotions

but that's how the gum ended up on the street in the first place

don't forget that

1:47 a.m. soliloquy

There's too much and too little to say about love

I'm not even sure where to start

I think I'm in love

but aren't we all fickle, lovesick fools

we write love in pencil

and our erasers are all worn out 

Love is a two way street they say

but this two way street has a stop sign

I kept going 

but you made a U-turn

I fell like a plane crash

nose diving too sharply

I knew I was on fire 

but I didn't know I was burning

I am yet to bust the myth of love

how will I ever know if mine is real?

it hurts, oh yes it hurts

but is it the pain of a love lost or the absence of love?

is there even a difference

I hate knowing that they're out there

breathing

sleeping

dreaming

dreaming about someone else

or nobody at all

they don't care about me anymore

they don't think about me anymore

just last week they said they loved me

I didn't know love had an expiration date

or I wouldn't have bought it

But hey, love doesn't have an absolute maximum

and high school relationships are like jelly filled doughnuts

some people like em

but they splatter all over your favorite shirt and leave a sticky stain

and honestly they're full of sh*t

(pardon my french)

True love isn't a light switch

and if they loved you, they'd treat you right

that four letter word will be what tears you apart

and stitches you back together

So please,

stop putting your quarters in and hoping what you want comes out

their words were just instant oatmeal propaganda

they want it too, but not with you
it's time to move on
it's time to forget
it's time to just love what's best for you
and wait for the best to love you back.

sdrawckab no stah

HATS confuse me

Abraham Lincoln always wore a hat

and he was assassinated

The cat in the hat always wore a hat

and a doctor wrote about him

I wish nobody wore hats

but you wear a hat every day
and you
and you

They're designed to cover us up

trap the perpetual cloud of rare thoughts

and cast a shadow on our faces

just to cover up unfiltered light-

don't want anybody to see that bald spot 

heaven forbid we get a glimpse of your greasy roots
that tell us where you came from

We can't see through that hat of yours

stop wearing it

I hear it's been giving you a headache for years

but you won't be taking it off anytime soon

I can't even see your darn eyebrows

but yea, keep it on

because you've been wearing it for far too long

and if you take it off now

you'll have hat marks

So

I tip my hat to you

because I'm sick of the way it feels

and always having to adjust it

For once,
I'm not going to wear a hat

makiNg faCes in The mirroR

I think I look in the mirror a lot

Not because I'm inspecting the 

cilantro in my teeth    or

studying my facial symmetry    or

admiring the dust clinging to the glass

I just want to see myself one more time

Every day

I change a little bit 

My eyes droop

I'm wearing a counterfeit smile

and suddenly I'm turning 17

And I don't come home from school

with my shoes full of wood chips

and my mouth full of adventures

instead I stare

wondering what it would be like

to look myself in the eyes

Would I recognize myself?

Who is that person in the mirror?

perhaps we're all just missing persons
with a search party of one
eventually we'll find ourselves
but for now
we'll just keep making faces in the mirror

here's the kickoff

okay. OKAY. It's my turn to talk now.

hi. I'm Cloyd Clemons. 

                                                                           am I the real Cloyd Clemons? no. 

see him?

He doesn't see you, sorry. That's Cloyd Clemons. He's just a faceless name on a list. This is a WW2 casualty list. All I know is that he was killed in action. He could have had a pet snail named ugly. Maybe he loved the smell of wood shavings. Maybe he's a self taught bagpipe player. I don't know.

Thing is he's exactly like you. And me. 

Roughly 407, 316 men died in the war, give or take a few. So many men gave their lives for a cause, and what did they get? A few got purple hearts, a lot got PTSD, and many got matching gravestones.

There are roughly 7 billion people living on the earth today. We live, we die, we forget. Me? I'm just one person. One. Just a Cloyd Clemons. I'm just a nameless face in a crowd. Another human title in small font. You skim over me in the yearbook. I think my name appeared in there once last year. Like you noticed. 

Turns out I have feelings. And peculiar thoughts. I have insecurites and wonderments and moments of euphoria. I also have violent spontaneous urges like to delete this post and drop the class. I won't though. 

 

I just want to apologize to all the doors I've slammed
I sound like expired alphabet soup

I procrastinate procrastination
I submitted this intro at 11.57 pm

I hate how naturally lying comes to me

I know nothing about quantum physics
I will splash in puddles and I will do it near you

I miss you 

I wonder if california remembers I was born there

I don't own nice things

I'm sure I have some rare undiscovered syndrome

I still leave the light on

I sonder about cloyd clemons

I sleep instead

If there wasn't music, I wouldn't see the point

I am too sensitive

I can hear my heart beat, but it could just be an echo

I've never really belonged anywhere

It looks better when the paint is chipping off
I miss when I was just a wee chubby thing

In another world, I would be a sloth

I have anxiety

I don't like spending time with myself

I feel like disappointment is the middle name I never had

I think the well is full of my ungranted wishes

I've never tossed love around

I hate myself most of the time but I don't want to be you

I love to sing but don't even ask

I swear I'm just shy

I flirt with death a lot

I am scared to look you in the eye
I am a little numb but

I am alive.

This blog isn't very promising. But that's good because nobody keeps their promises. 

ps. this intro really sucks. Sorry. I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here.

pps. ha if you got that you're the cats pajamas.